Gonna Need a Bigger Mic

This one's pretty personal. It's a long spring break, so I have a lot of time to think: When you’ve been doing something for a long time, sometimes you forget why you’re doing it. I’ve been learning and studying Japanese language and culture for about 3 years…maybe four. When people ask me why, I usually deliver the typical artificial answer of it interests me. But, there’s something deeper that I can’t explain about why I’m here in this country. Despite the fact that I admire and adore the people and the language, I can’t bring myself to study it. It seems like I let everything else get in my way. I was thinking the other night before I went to sleep about what I’m going to do with my life. What is to become of me? I’m 22 years old. My new name is Jesie Patricia Fess. I don’t have any children. We don’t even have our own house yet. I’m going back to school for my 5^th year in college and I’m deep in student loan debt. My husband works in the Navy. He started working there in order to pay off his own student loans when he discovered that he didn’t enjoy what he thought he loved. Maybe that’s why we have such a tight connection, and I can’t let go of the thought of him. I’ve been thinking about him more and more every day now and about how I want to return to him. How I just want to spend time with him, doing something as simple as watching a movie or cooking dinner with him. I want to see his smiling face again. I don’t tell anyone, but sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have married so young. I don’t regret it. I don’t regret things. It’s just something I refuse to do. But the world is so big, and I’m so small. I want to see all of it, and I’ll never be able to do that and be with him at the same time, will I? I want the best of both worlds. I want a family life with him and I want to travel and see the world. Is it possible? I’m not sure yet.

But, back to what I was originally talking about. My dreams. I should have thought of this earlier. I was thinking the other night that I should meet and talk with a manga-ka while I’m here. I suppose I could buy books about it when I get back home, but what’s the use of that when you can ask a real person with experience? The problem? My Japanese isn’t nearly good enough for that, and I’m sure I’ll run out of time before I get the chance to do that for now. Maybe I’ll have to wait. I’ve decided something. I’ve decided that no matter what, I want to become a writer. I want to touch people so deeply that they never forget the feeling my words gave them. I’m not very good right now, but I hope to get better. I feel stagnant, though. I want to get good enough for people to want to read what I have to say, and finally someone may listen to me with all the attention that I so quietly demand.

Somehow, Vic Mignogna has brought me to this decision. This may seem disconnected, but one day, when I’m a famous author, I want to thank him in one of my novels. I know I can do it. I know I can be good enough. I didn’t even get the chance to ask him if, when he was my age, he thought he would be able to touch so many people’s lives with his work. I want to do what he does in my own way. The only way I can think of is to write. I don’t know what I’ll be writing yet, or how it will affect me, I just want people to see it and think about it. I want them to think deeply about my words. I want them to feel. This world is boring and often strange. That’s why the news is such a big deal, and why the news is so often bad. It’s interesting. It’s kind of sick, actually, if you think about it. People thrive somehow off of others' tragedies. I suppose there are cases of good news that compels people to do wonderful things. Despite how disconnected I feel from the Bible and that whole Bible culture, I know there are people who truly embrace the actual intentions of the original creators of the Bible. There are people who do good works simply because they believe good works need to be done. I like to think about that, anyway. That’s what I want to believe.

All the questions I have for Vic are the ones that will lead me to my ultimate goal. Eventually, I want to write and illustrate my own stories. It won’t be manga to some people, but the categorization is not important. It usually isn’t, despite the amount of importance human beings place on categories. How did he get to where he is today? Did he have to struggle? Was he afraid that he wouldn’t make it? Did other things get in the way? Did he ever think he would impact people the way he has? I wonder if he tells all his fans that he loves them. I’m sure he does, and I’m sure that he means it. I’m going to write. I’m going to create something that people will pay attention to and draw strength from. I’m going to do something that no one else has done before, OR, as is often the case with art, I’m going to do something that someone else has done before but do it better. That’s what I want for myself. And I’m writing this to remind myself that my ultimate goal is to write and grab readers by their deepest emotions and never let go. To make them think. Maybe I should plan out how I’m going to do all this. No matter how hard it gets, I can’t quit. That’s going to be the hard part. I know I will fail. I will probably fail more often than I succeed, but I have to remember to learn from each failure. That’s the part I have problems with. How will I fight off my apathy from my routine life? So boring. Perhaps if I remind myself a little every day what I’m doing all this for, I’ll start to perform a little better.

Since Mom died, I’ve never been the same. I’ve become weaker in some ways and stronger in others. I can handle a lot of emotional stress for extended periods of time. I can take on the problems of other people, not healthy, of course, but I’ve always been that way. But, since she died, I’ve become less diligent and less interested in my future or the world at large. My studies have taken a back seat position to my interest in wasting time…waiting for it all to be over with. What are we here for anyway? I used to say that I knew my purpose. I still think I do, but sometimes I forget. I’m supposed to gather knowledge and share it with the world as best I can. I’m going to need a more powerful microphone.